ASK J.J.

This is a new feature at "I'm Just Drunk in Someone's Garage."

If you have a problem and think J.J. Dufresne has the solution, all you have to do is ASK. Once a week (or whenever he's bored at work or too tired for wanking off) J.J. will entertain questions from those who need answers.

Today's question comes to us from "Klutzy Kat Girl in Marquette, MI."

Dear J.J.,
This is so embarrassing but I don't know where else to turn. Last night, I was entertaining my lovah in my boudoir. I had candles, I had strawberries and whipped cream, I was playing The Best of Barry White CD. As I walked across the room with two glasses of red wine, I tripped over my cat Miss Marmalade and red wine spilled everywhere. Now there's a huge red wine stain on the white carpet in my bedroom. My lovah says it's hardly visible and that my husband will never notice, but I'm still scared! Do you know how to remove red wine stains pronto???

Dear huge stain,
Christ, are you retarded? You have to be if you cant think of a lie to get out of this one.

So first of all, i think you need to tell your retard monitor that some guy has been coming over and giving you the business. the monitor will then call the cops because i am pretty sure it is illegal to screw a retard. and for that matter im not sure if retards can get married. you got more problems than just a wine stain.

Second of all, if you happen to not be retarded i'll chalk it up to panic for the reason you are not thinking of the easiest lie to tell your husband. tell your lover to leave so you can take care of the matter, give him a quick bj, that will get rid of him fast. once he's gone and before your husband comes home, take a shower to get the greasy scent of the other dude off (and out of) you. then dress in something sexy. pour two glasses of wine, set one on his night stand and drink yours so it is empty. then when your husband comes home confess everything you told me except leave the other dude out of the equation. so here say something like this,"i planned on surprising you honey, i wanted to set the mood and everything but as i was, i did the silliest thing, i wasn't looking and i tripped over miss marmalade. i'm such a fool and now there's a big stain on the carpet." believe me, if a dude knows he's about to get lucky he isnt going to give a good god damn about some wine stain. use your head.

i still think you are retarded and so i am going to forward this message to the proper authorities to stop that molester from raping you or other retards.

you're welcome.